Autonomy & Community: Courage & Loneliness

Hi folks,

I’m seven weeks in since I left Chico on this adventure. I’ve been swimming in it, and have been going through massive intensity on a physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual level. Many of us at the Academy are experiencing similar things. Working construction at 7000 feet under 97+ degree weather in dry, windy and dusty conditions with a crew of 30, only to return home with 13 of them to share a tiny kitchen with a stove with only 3 burners, and then take turns to shower, eat and finally wind down to sleep – with folks partying or not in a home with absolutely no privacy is . . . It’s been quite the experience. You can tell by the run-on sentence it’s no joke.

Whether one is an introvert or extrovert, it doesn’t matter. Humans undoubtedly are social creatures, but we all freaking need some privacy. We all need space and autonomy to breathe. The living situation I was in at the Castle was something I knew wasn’t going to work out for me – day one. I made plans to move to the R.E.A.C.H. Community, and then decided that I would invest some of my energy into the Castle as an action-oriented solution to the situation, to leave it better than I found it. The Academy coordinator was excited about my ideas, I emailed her my plans, and I have yet to hear from her.

Nonetheless, before week five began, and after living with 13 folks in a hostile situation (dorm), sharing a bachelor pad kitchen – think back to being 18 or so – it was stressful. For me there was a lot of negativity surrounding the food and kitchen situation. Food is one of the most important things in life, and for there to be bad vibes and exclusion surrounding food in a “community” setting, is for me, absolute conflict. Realizing the situation was draining my energy, and feeling the lack of inspiration I knew I had to address the situation, which was to simply move out.

I’m now living in the Education Facility, which was the original visitor’s center back in the day. So I’m actually living in an Earthship! I’m living with 5 awesome and generous, positive women, and a ton of living plants and light. I just had the best shower I’ve had since I’ve been here. I can already feel the better flow of energy.

There have been so many things going through my mind since I’ve been here. I’ve wondered about my life and what’s going to unfold, and obsessing about decisions that I don’t have to make. I’ve wondered about moving back to the southwest, curious if I’ll meet that special romantic someone, and if I’d be offered a job with Earthship. The crazy thing is, I miss Chico and the abundance of food, friendship, community, connectivity and love that it contains. The great thing about me following my heart is that I have discovered what I don’t like, which has made things really clear for me as far as what I want. My mom and grandpa say, “Honey, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” It is insane that I would even consider working for an architectural firm when I have a new job waiting for me in California. I get to co-create a position that I want, that will employ all of my strengths, and I will be working closely with the owners to grow their business. Did I mention how awesome they are?! It’s really a dreamy situation.

Earthship Biotecture logo drawn by Osmany Cabrera.

Coming to New Mexico has given me a lot of space I needed. Here I’ve been struggling for space, which is funny to me because I thought I was struggling to get it at GRUB. Since I’ve been here I have had the biggest fucking reality check on the planet! I had to be willing to give it all up. I was. I did. I let go. Am I letting on that I know what the fuck is going on? ‘Cause I don’t! I’m at a crossroads where I am letting it all unfold; following the path of least resistance.

I love the adventure and the unknown; the unknown also freaks me out. I’m not scared. I don’t even think about the courage it takes to do what I do. I get freaked out wanting to know what’s going to happen, and knowing that I can’t know. Then I have to sit with those emotions and let it all be. These are moments the tears fall – letting go.

I drove out onto the Mesa to get some personal alone time as I was sitting with all the emotions and energy running through me. Feeling frustrated, annoyed, yearning, and knowing I had to let it be, let it go, I saw a group of horses gathered at the edge of the fence. I pulled over right away and hiked over to them. I didn’t know if they were going to get scared and bolt or permit me to approach them.

They let me approach and two let me pet them. The black one was so sweet and responsive to my caresses that I could see its musculature relax. I too let go and let the tears flow. To stand in the middle of the Taos Mesa with its majestic island mountains and sporadic peaks surround me as isolated thunderstorms ground their energy around me, and to be connecting with these creatures that have been beside humans for so many years, it was just what I needed. I was feeling lonely, even amongst all these people, and feeling homesick, sad and unsure, I wanted to be in someone’s arms. It was so perfect and so comforting to come across that pack of horses and be with them and interact with them. I am so grateful for them. I’ll have to return to bring them little treats (other than my affection).

To organize my life, delegate tasks onto others, find someone to take over my job while I’m here on sabbatical, leave behind great people, a full and rich life of inspiration, and to cross the desert to reclaim a part of me I left behind 10 years ago, immerse myself in the extremist of climates to do construction with a group of people I don’t know and swim in the desire of wanting to build a home with a companion . . . is no small thing. Was I loosing my mind?! I guess I want it bad enough to risk it all to learn how to do it. It’s a shock and stress to the systems. I am undoubtedly homesick, and am living in a stressful situation.

I am amongst incredibly inspirational people, in a beautiful and harsh place and doing whimsical and important work. Being here in the desert is all about survival. It’s full of potential, everyone wants to live here and or work for Earthship somewhere on the planet. Mike is constantly talking about breaking down dogma, finding your own energy band where everything is possible. It’s just a constant letting go. It’s all so raw. I feel raw, vulnerable, and . . . human. We’re growth-seeking beings.

I want to live in community by having communal space, and privacy and autonomous space. I’m working on designs now. I will discuss my ideas and the structural integrity of my designs with Mike Reynolds when he returns the end of July - possibly as an independent project. 


Now I attract to me land and the resources and access to these resources to build . . .